So as you know Grant got a phone call two days ago to say he'd passed his maths test and that the NZ police would be offering a job once they had checked his references. It was such a relief and so exciting! It's a big step forward on the long road to emigration.
But for the last day or so I've been quite down and moody. I hate feeling like this. I especially hate not knowing why I'm feeling like this. I finally realised that I am feeling like this because of this step closer to emigration.
Wait, what? This is what we really want, right? We've been in limbo for so long and although there is still a way to go it's good to be moving forward towards our goal, right?
As I was slowly waking up this morning I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling and to go over the things that are bothering me. Of course the practicalities of the whole move, especially selling our houses, moving, and the last few weeks here in England, are weighing on my mind. But really, it's the first time that I haven't felt 100% eager to leave.
I don't want to live so far away from my mom. I don't want to leave the friends I have. I don't want to not be able to talk to Dianne on the phone for an hour every day. I don't want to be thrust into a life that has no familiarity, of feeling the vulnerability of everything being new and strange. I don't want to give up things like eBay and Home Bargains and online grocery shopping. I don't want to start all over again in a new church ward, especially after some recent problems we've had.
One good thing is that the prospect of leaving has made me appreciate my life here more. There is so much we take for granted daily.
I know it's okay to feel these things. It doesn't mean that moving to New Zealand is not the right thing for us. I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life here in the UK. We have compelling reasons for leaving that aren't going to go away. I'm brave enough and motivated enough to make the move.
But nobody ever said it would be easy. And the emotional impact will be the hardest part for me. This is all part of it – feeling these feelings and moving forward in spite of them and learning how to deal with them. I guess that just comes with practice … of which I'm sure I'll have plenty over the next few years as we embark on this adventure.
I knew there would be an emotional roller coaster and there has been all along since we started this journey. It's just a pity I'm not a roller-coaster kinda girl.
I feel for you, I truly do. You're bound to have these days of uncertainty but I know how much you all want this move. Keep positive hunny, sending you some hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteYou are just being human.........all change even good change still holds a bit of the unknown. Just think and concentrate on the positives!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! {{{hugs}}}
I am so glad we emigrated the way we did. Came here on holiday and just never went home! Good thing is you don't have to give up grocery shopping online, or eBay :o) I hope your week gets brighter. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHey, I hear ya! We just moved to a whole new state here in the US, and I totally went back and forth between being excited and hating it and wanting to stay where I was "established". Moving is hard. Change is hard. And that's okay! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletepretty sure that NZ will have both ebay AND online shopping!! :-) (depending how rural you will be living of course!) You are sure to love it, once you get there!
ReplyDeleteYou can do it. I know you can--you are so strong, creative and energetic. And most importantly, your family will be with you so you're never really alone. You'll probably be closer than ever!
ReplyDeleteBut it must be hard. I've moved, but not very far, so I don't have any advice and I don't know how you feel. But don't forget, your blog friends will always be there for you--we never move!
Moving is apparently the most stressful thing a person can do. You deal with so many emotions including mourning the life/people you are leaving. It's a big change, but a good one.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend that moved to NZ from the US 3 years ago. She wrote a blog about it and from what I understand there are MANY blogs about immigrating to NZ and the transplants that live there now. She wouldn't move back for anything now even with the long flights back to the US to visit family.
I guess it's only natural to feel wobbly over such a huge event. But remember how you felt when you initially made the decision. I know it's a decision you didn't make lightly! You are such a strong independent woman and have already done this once. You can do it again! One of my friends (who is also my SIL's sister!) moved to NZ a few years ago and another friend in our ward is planning on going in October (for 18 months initially). And your kids are at a great age for such a move. And what a life they will have there!! You are so lovely and friendly that I can't imagine you taking long to make friends. Just think of us stuck here in miserable cold England when you are in beautiful sunny NZ :)
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